The Trottiscliffe Heatwave Relief Appeal

It is going to be hot this week

We were advised to send the children in with a water bottle. We have considered this carefully and concluded it is not enough.

The chilled water dispensers, while admirable, can only do so much against a forecast that peaks somewhere in the mid twenties. The children deserve better than refilling a bottle throughout the day. They deserve a poolside attendant and a view of the Mediterranean.

We cannot, in good conscience, leave 90 children in Kent while a cooler coastline sits just three hours away by budget airline.

Relocate the school. All of it.

Not a trip. An orderly, dignified, all expenses paid evacuation to somewhere with a beach.

Every pupil, every member of staff, and Miss Henderson's whistle, transferred for six nights to a 5 star all inclusive resort for the duration of the heatwave. Lessons continue as normal, simply nearer the swim up bar. Phonics by the pool. Times tables on a lilo.

We are not asking for luxury for its own sake. We are asking for it for the children's sake, which sounds much better.

A fully costed, completely serious budget

Where the children will recover

Official headteacher sign off

We would not dream of proceeding without permission. We are pleased to confirm the appeal has been approved, on conditions, by the school itself.

The condition was a whole school, all expenses paid trip. That is precisely £150,000. We are simply meeting the brief.

Offers we are still negotiating

Word of the crisis has reached the wealthiest people on earth. Talks are at a delicate stage. (For the avoidance of doubt: no billionaire has actually said any of this.)